A lot of stupid stuff has happened, most of which, I seem to have forgotten. Here are ten funny and embarressing moments, on my adventure so far.
1. What’s that smell, oh it’s me.
Eating lunch one day, something disgusting wofted in my direction . Vile, BO. I was horrified to realise seconds later it was actually me. I can sometimes go several weeks without a shower which doesn’t bother me at all. Only when I’m eating.
2. I sharted
In the Pamirs I had a serious case of Stomach bug/food poisoning. It was over a week before it eased after a course of antibiotics. During which I was bed ridden in a hostel. But my first encounter with such an affliction was in Uzbekistan, sharing a room with a local. After coming back from the umpteenth visit of the day, I lay back in bed and my stomach churned, but I was too tired to move. I felt a fart brewing but clenched tight knowing what it could be. Without my say so, the air escaped along with something more sinister. Utterly embaressing.
3. Being watched
In Uzbekistan I stopped to “drop the kids off at the pool” or as my German friends say, “went for a meeting”, over a lovely hillside that sloped down from the road. After taking in the view and getting to business, suddenly a goat ambled over the neighbouring hillside a mere 100 feet away. Followed by another and another. I prayed they were alone. Then came the shepherd, who stood atop the hill, with his flock, and watched for a full ten minutes.
Unfortunately it’s happened several times since.
4. Selfie with his BIG gun
After being in China just under a week, I found myself held at a police checkpoint for over an hour. The local police were coming to escort me to the next town. Thankfully that didn’t happen. During my captivity, each of the heavily armed officers took turns adding me on WeChat, Chinas WhatsApp. A few days later I receive a selfie from one, posing with his BIG gun – Shotgun. Why me ?
5. What‘s your name?
I have known The Norwegian Action man for several months now and cycled with him on a few occassions. But it recently transpired that I have been saying his name wrong the entire time. Attempts to rectify this failed miserbly.
6. Streaking scared the shepherd
In Turkey, after crossing the boarder, Martin, Wittali and myself, camped on a hill. It began to rain and with the excitement of a new country, I began showering in the rain. (Back when I cared about the smell) Before Martin joined me, the shepherd came over the hill with two dogs, paused 50 feet away, for a few seconds. His dogs turned, and scarpered down the hill, followed quickly by the shepherd.
7. It wasn’t me
Late one night in Turkey, I stopped at a petrol garage, where the female manager, agreed to let myself and a French cyclist, Stephane, stay the night, at the back of the property on some sofas. We unrolled our mats and sleeping bags, brushed our teeth, and relaxed. I forgot where I was, and let out a huge fart. Unfortunately, the manager, in full Islamic head dress, with two colleagues in tow, happened to walk by at the exact moment. Seeing her in the corner of my eye, I turned to Stephane and said “that’s disgusting mate”
8. Boyfriend, BOYFRIEND
On the Caspian crossing, I reluctantly drank some spirit at 9am with five Kazak lorry drivers, in an attempt to rescuse Daniel from their clutches. A large heavy set fellow, appeared in the doorway of my small cabin shouting “Boyfriend” trying to grab me.
I pushed past him, and he nearly hit the floor he was so drunk. The next morning he was severely hungover, and couldn’t look me in the eye as we passed to the mess hall.
Leaving Uzbekistan, the boarder guards went through my bags and in particular my first aid kit. Finding the Condom, The young officer pulled it out to display to the other three officers, several local women and anyone else present . Laughing his arse off, he made me repeat what it was several times.
10. Denied knowledge of Borat
Standing at a cash machine with fellow Caspian sea crossers, a local Kazak man invited us for dinner and to stay at his house. He and his two friends then quizzed us on Borat, explaining relentlessly that Kazakhstan is not like the film. Feeling very embarressed, we denied knowledge of Borat. Despite singing the national anthem on the boat.